Three Types of Friends… Make That Four

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One of my best friends summed up friendship like this: You have the friends that will come to your wedding, the friends that will show up at your funeral and then you have the friends who will be there to pluck your chin hairs and wax your lip if you’re in a coma.

Yep.

Chances are we all have or have had those friends.

Wedding friends 

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They may be the ones who want to celebrate a special day with you because they love you and are happy for you. These are the people that have walked through life and past relationships with you and are truly happy to see you enter a new phase. But in addition to these guys, there are the fun time friends. These are the people that are fun to party with, that know how to have a good time. They will be the first on the dance floor and the ones making the funniest toasts.

Funeral friends

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These are the friends who loved us dearly and are devastated at our demise. But this also includes a sub-group of “friends.” The ones that want to be able to say they were your friend. Even if they really weren’t. Everyone wants to say they were close to the dead guy. I don’t know why, but death seems to bring out a weird element of not wanting to miss out on the grief and glorifying the dead. Some people feed on this and revel in latching on to the grief. They want to be able to whisper about the loss and shake their head in sadness at the next cocktail party. They want to be able to impart details about the accident or illness that not everyone else is privy to. Their motivation? Who knows? Possibly to seem well connected? A dead guy can’t call you out on the true nature of your “friendship.”

The I’ll Visit You While You’re In A Coma Friends

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These are the true friends. These are the ones who will come see you long after all the others have moved on and forgotten you. These are the friends that truly know you. They know you wouldn’t want the doctors or the nurses or your family members to watch you waste away in a hospital bed with a hairy lip. They are the ones who know what kind of stuff makes you laugh and they will sit there telling you jokes and funny stories just hoping you’re laughing somewhere inside your coma world. They know your quirks and eccentricities and will make sure the hospital gives you the type of pillow you like and will make you playlists of your favorite music to listen to in coma land. If you have friends like this, hold on to them. They are few and they are precious.

Then there’s the WTF friends

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You know. The crazy stalker friends. Or the frenemies. Or the jealous of every good thing that happens to you friends. Or the “I’m going to blurt out something private and embarrassing about you at a social gathering” friend. These are all too strange and unique in their own twisted ways to get their own categories so I’m just lumping them all together. But I do have a few juicy examples to share with you….

WTF friend: I’m going to get really upset with you for breaking up with your boyfriend. I’m going to tell you how great you guys were together and you are meant for each other. I’m even going to get a little pissed when you move on and start dating someone else. And then, about a day later, I’m going to have sex with your ex boyfriend. The one I was just mad at you for leaving. Then I’m going to tell you about it with a sheepish “Sorry?” True story. I don’t know if this was a passive aggressive move or just… who the hell knows? But the problem with this story is not the sleeping with the guy part, it’s the guilt trip that proceeded the carnal deed.

WTF friend: I’m going to be your BEST friend. There for you no matter WHAT. Except for when you fall in love and get engaged. Then I’m going to be pissed. And on the night that you tell all of your friends in hopes of celebrating said engagement, I’m going to pout and not speak to you the whole night. I’m going to suck all of the air out of the room until you decide to leave early and drown your sorrows in late night Waffle House grease with your betrothed. True story.

WTF friend: When you’re, oh, about four months pregnant with your third child, I’m going to have a little chat with you. I’m going to wait until you just had an ultrasound and found out you’re having a little girl. I’m going to listen as you tell me how relieved you are that everything looked ok and the baby seems perfectly healthy. And as soon as I’m done exclaiming in glee over your news I’m going to tell you that I want you to come to my house and watch an abortion video with me. Because I’m a good friend like that. I’m going to say these very words to you: “I couldn’t let you abort that baby any more than you could let me put a gun to (insert 8 year old son’s name here) head and shoot him.” W.T. ‘effin F???? This is a true story. I know. Bat shit, right?

Yes, I had all three of these WTF friends. And yes, I dumped them after each scenario played out. I can put up with a lot. I can be really forgiving. I have a large tolerance for annoying behaviors and mistakes. I’ve actually been told on many occasions by many different people that I am too forgiving. But with me there’s always a line. It may be way down the line from where others would draw it, but I have one. And once you cross it we are done. Cause, seriously, WTF?

And thank god I have the other friends. I have the wedding friends who laughed at these WTF stories and made them hilarious in a “You have to laugh because it’s so messed up” kind of way. The friends who can drop a dry one-liner in reference to this craziness that has you laughing so hard you are almost grateful for the WTF’s, if just for the humor value. And I have the friends that will come see me if I’m ever in a coma. True, genuine friends. These friendships don’t dabble in judgement or jealousy or pettiness. These are the friends that will celebrate your successes and cry with your misfortunes. They are the ones that can make you laugh, the one’s who can finish your sentence. The ones who when you see them after a long absence it’s like you’re transported right back to your dorm room and the four of you never missed a beat. The ones you can tell anything to. The friends who nourish your soul and seeing them is like going home.

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Happy International Friendship Day! Do you have friends that have helped you keep your sanity? What are your crazy WTF? friend stories?

27 Comments

  1. This is one of my favorite posts of yours yet, I like the tone and the pacing of the writing and it could be me but there is a sense of humor shining through the WTF’s and all I can say to the abortion video enthusiast, is WTF! I heard you are lucky if you have three friends in the course of a lifetime, I hope you have many more. Great post.

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    1. Thank you – there is a little bit of a sense of humor when I speak of the WTF friends. Now there is. At the times that those things happened I was hurt and/or shocked. Now I just see it as ridiculous. The WTF friend who wanted to show me the abortion video, that was probably the most shocking. I had never suggested I would get one. I was happy to be pregnant! What it really was, was she had found a cause and a soap box and she was eager to preach. The kicker was when she pointed to my son and compared it to putting a bullet in his brain. That’s when I knew that it had gone off the rails and there would be no going back in our friendship. CRAZY!!!

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  2. AHHH, I love this.
    I have about 5 friends who will pluck my chin hairs, listen to me cry, laugh with me until I piss my pants, & LOVE me no matter what…

    the rest are cool…but just acquaintances!

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    1. Yeeesss! The friends that make you piss your pants, they are the best! My girls from college, every single time I see them! I think if you have even one friend who would take care of you in dire circumstances you’re a lucky person. To have five? That is an abundance of riches!

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  3. Oh my gahhhhd. Those WTF friends are ah may zing. Thank you for reminding me to appreciate the friends in my life who will wax my lip and pluck chin hairs if I’m ever in a coma. The pillow and playlist and jokes are important too. I’m going to put them all on notice that those two items need to be added to our Friendship Pact. You’re awesome – love this post!

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    1. Thank you! The more WTF friends I come across in life, the more I appreciate my “coma friends.” And really, even if you’re in a coma, you don’t want the husband and kids to see all the maintenance that must be done to keep up a hair-free face! Those WTF friends are something, aren’t they? Not sure which was worse, the one that was pissed about me getting engaged or the one who wanted to save me from an abortion I had no intention of having…

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      1. Yes they are – that kind of maintenance is not for the faint of heart…And no shit – I couldn’t say which one of those “friends” was the bigger moron. They can share the title, eh?

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  4. This is hilarious! It’s so funny cause I once asked a great friend if she would make sure my annoying and unnecessary chin whiskers get plucked at least once a week. I know she would. I could care less who comes to my funeral.

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    1. I think #1 is probably pretty common. And truly, if she had hooked up with my ex, I wouldn’t have cared. I was over him and done with the relationship and stayed friendly with him. But, it was like two weeks after we broke up and she really laid a huge guilt trip on me in the meantime. It was really strange. Plus, I was going through a lot, severe anxiety, and I didn’t need a “friend” like that who was messing with my head.

      I totally wouldn’t have known it was you, by the way! Are you doing a whole new blog or just revamping the old one? I like the gravatar image, that’s a cool pic!

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      1. I’m with you 100% on the WTF friend #1 thing. That “friendship” quickly went by the wayside, and then I started finding out about all kinds of other stuff that had been going on. I figured I was well rid of her.

        I got a whole new blog, baby! I needed a change of scenery, but I did import all of my old content. You can find me at fluffandbunkum.wordpress.com

        That pic is from Halloween a couple of years back. I like the high contrasts and had fun playing with it. I’m glad you like it. 🙂

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    1. Yes, when it gets to that point of disfunction in a friendship it’s very freeing to let go and move on. I have called it “cleaning house.” I don’t like drama and don’t want people who thrive on drama in my life!

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  5. I don’t have WTF friends. I have “drop off the face of the earth” friends. Y’know, those people I was super tight with in school, or whatever, and then, they just got buried in work, family, whatever, and never call, write, e-mail, anything like that. They just drift off and break contact.

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    1. Oh, I definitely have some “drop off the face of the earth” friends! I think everyone does. I’ve probably been that person a few times too. It sucks to loose contact but I think in most cases it’s natural, especially when you move into different phases of life. But sometimes it hurts too. I have one friend that I was very close to post college and post marriage/kids. She just stopped calling. I reached out a few times to see if I did anything to upset her, but I really think she just got busy and bogged down with life… at least that’s what she said!

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  6. Do me a favor, don’t invite me to your wedding or your funeral but put me on your hospital visitor list and I will be in beats mode for you God forbid something happens.

    *fistbump*

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    1. *fistbump* Hell yeah. That is what truly matters, right? Could you imagine laying there with no way to communicate and they play Bieber the whole time? Of course it could inspire a person to wake just to turn that music off… And I like the idea of inviting people to a funeral. It’s kind of morbid but what a way to have the last word… you might be on to something there!

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  7. I just spent last weekend with some coma-visiting friends. Time like that is so life-giving. I have definitely had a few WTF friends, but never quite as crazy as those I don’t think! Glad you have the others to temper that!

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    1. Those are the best types of weekends! I’m definitely missing time with my coma friends! And that’s what I’m going to start calling them now, thanks to you! This summer’s been great for quality family time, but a girl needs her friends! And luckily the WTF friends are well in my past. Although I’m actually FaceBook friends with all three. I just realized that as I’m typing this. That is why FB is so messed up!

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        1. You know, I don’t even link my posts to FB anymore. I wasn’t getting a lot of traffic from it and as my blog got a little more personal I didn’t want any random person (neighbors, husband’s coworkers, etc) to read it… I probably wouldn’t have mentioned those three particular friends’ actions if it was going on FB, while they did some messed up stuff I still wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings. Although my husband asked if he could share it on FB, he knew exactly who I was referencing and I think he still holds some bitter feelings towards them! (I didn’t let him)

          Do you get traffic from FB? I never set up a FB blog page, it just used to post on my personal FB page… Most of my readers come from WP bloggers and Twitter, although I’m intrigued by Stumble Upon and Google Plus. But who has the time??? Of course, you’re probably not too concerned about blog traffic since you’re working on a book and all! I’m still a newbie (can I call myself that still? It’s been almost a year) so I’m still working to just get readers and engagement!

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        2. I actually am worried about FB traffic BECAUSE of the book. I typically get a big chunk of readers from theee, but it seems like I am not getting the same reach I did. However, I don’t know that there is much I can do about it beside start paying to advertise my posts, which I won’t do. Still I have several friends and people who use Facebook to get new posts, so I it is what it is. I have used Google and StumbleUpon but neither have really been that successful for me.

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